Before we begin, let’s be clear — living with chronic pain means I’m trapped inside a body which unexpectedly turns on me, causing at-times torturous pain throughout my low back and legs. Living with this condition for seven years has robbed me of my youthful twenties and placed some of my dreams far out of reach.
At times, living with chronic pain is hell. Other times, I feel deeply grateful.
Chronic pain challenges and changes me daily, forcing me to explore the depth of my mental, physical and emotional strength.
Here’s what happened:
In 2010 I injured my low back while lifting a table. At the time, I was a career-driven perfectionist in my mid-twenties. I had extremely high energy and, at times, impossible expectations of myself.
Prior to my graduation from Minnesota State University-Moorhead, I was hired as a news anchor and multimedia journalist at Fargo-Moorhead’s highest-rated TV station. My dreams of climbing the ranks — moving from station-to-station, increasing market size until I received a coveted reporting position at a national network — was absolutely within reach. I was ambitious, eager to report news with vigor, and ready to share intimate stories of community members with compassion and understanding.
When I injured my back, my physical health quickly deteriorated. Low back pain evolved into nerve pain in my legs — eventually leading to two back surgeries, numerous injections, a dozen rounds of physical therapy, and a chronic pain condition with no apparent cure. I’m no longer able to work 50+ hours in an emotionally and physically challenging job.
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Despite the downsides, I believe my chronic pain is a blessing.
Here’s why:
- I have no choice but to partake in intense self-reflection — chronic pain forces me to continually make positive changes to my life. My diet is healthier as I indulge in as many anti-inflammatory foods as possible (plant-based foods like you’d eat on the Mediterranean diet). I’m more committed to self-care, taking time to relax and rejuvenate my body. I’m appreciative of the little moments I can enjoy when the pain is masked: dinner with my husband, savasana at the end of a yoga class, or laughing with best friends.
- Prior to the injury, my self-discipline was focused almost entirely on achieving career success. It was hard for me to take the time to focus on myself. Over time, I’ve developed more self-discipline for personal care than I thought possible — I analyze my body mechanics and posture carefully with a heightened physical awareness, and I’m working on improving my mental health so I’m better equipped to manage pain levels. While I’m certainly no expert, I’m proud for the continued growth in this area.
- I’m more appreciative than ever of my supportive family and friends. Prior to my injury, I was fiercely independent and often took care of others before myself. And while I still appreciate my independence, I wholeheartedly accept the care and concern from people who love me enough to let me rest on the couch for days during a pain flare, pitching in to help with my responsibilities.
- I’ve unintentionally learned a lot about healthcare and alternative healing through this experience. I’ve always had an interest in alternative care including yoga, meditation, essential oils and acupuncture, among other things. The pain pushed me to explore these topics with an intensity I wouldn’t have had otherwise.
- Pain has driven me to help others. I’ll soon launch a website for those suffering from chronic pain — an online resource aimed at helping people in pain become the best version of themselves. The idea came from the frustration, confusion and isolation of attempting to understand the pain on my own. This resource will be a community for people to find morsels of relief. Stay tuned
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Perhaps what’s most important for me is that chronic pain has made me aware of how precious life is, and how important it is to pursue that in life which makes me feel alive —hiking with my husband, writing as much as possible, and exploring our beautiful world. It’s nearly impossible, or at least unbearable, to be in pain and not be doing something you love.
Because of this realization, I’m able to survive as a freelance multimedia journalist and writer, with a supportive husband and family guiding me along my journey as an entrepreneur.
If you’re suffering from any type of pain — physical or emotional — I urge you to take a moment each day to practice gratefulness. Perhaps journal briefly each night and write three positive things that happened during your day. Or, take time to appreciate the lovely little things in life: soft snowfall in the winter, watching a bird preen in your backyard, or witnessing the excitement of your puppy when you return home.
Gratefulness and positivity cannot be turned on with a switch; it must be practiced with patience and commitment. Even if depression is wearing you down, a simple practice of gratefulness is absolutely within reach.
